Today was such a busy day -- nursery duty (the college kids are all gone), church, my bro-in-law in town (right now he and Sam out are having a drink, and when that's over, the three "grown-ups" are having dinner together somewhere) -- that I had to just fit my walk in where I could, in street clothes. I gave Banks a treat and we cut several times through the woods, then back to St. Ed's, where I noticed two things: 1) the track around the soccer field was devoid of ANY people or canines, and 2) it was a mess. There had been a soccer game there yesterday, and the fans left coffee cups, water bottles, McDonald's wrappings and lots of other disgusting things lying in the stands and around the field.
So in honor of #1, I did something I've never done -- I let Banks off-leash. There was just enough nip in the air that that, combined with this unexpected freedom, sent him into a frenzy of galloping and snorthing around the field. It was a beautiful thing to see. And since I've spent so much time at that place that I've started to feel a sense of ownership, I decided to combine my walk with a community service project, and single-handedly cleaned the field. Yes, the whole thing. Banks and I walked around and around the field, and each time I gathered as much as I could in each hand. It took about four trips around the perimeter, as well as several vertical detours into the stands, but the place looked really good when we left.
Last night was Sam's graduation celebration at Fogo de Chao, and it included him, Lynn, Jackson and me. This is a relatively new thing. For the past several years, our boys' birthdays and other events have been celebrated jointly with their father and stepmother and me. We all get along great, and I loved all of us being together for these special occasions. Then earlier this year, I had an interesting conversation with a friend, also divorced, who had suggested to her teenage girls that their father come over for dinner one night. Horrified, they let her know in no uncertain terms that "There is no WE anymore!" That his house represented one family, and her house represented another family, and never the twain should meet.
I mentioned this to my boys, and said something like, Wasn't it great that their dad and I had such a good relationship that we could still do things as a family? I was not prepared for their answer. They let me know that, as much as WE may have enjoyed those dinners (me in particular, since their dad always picked fancy places and picked up the bill), it was awkward and uncomfortable for them. WHAT??? I thought we were all having so much fun!! Wasn't this the way it was supposed to be? Isn't that what all the experts, Oprah, the "Modern Family" writers told us we should strive for?
It was an eye-opener, that conversation. We thought we were doing the right thing, but their reaction tells me that the pain of divorce is deep, deeper than we might want to admit to ourselves. Maybe for some kids, it will never get to the point where they're blase about it. Maybe the best you can do is maintain a cordial friendship, respect those boundaries, and not make a display in front of your kids that their parents' marriage did not last, and that they've moved on.
Maybe it's not that way for everyone, but I've done a little more informal, anecdotal research on the subject, and apparently my boys, and Cathy's girls, are not alone in their sentiments. Lesson learned, humbly processed.
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