The Hax Files

I was going to post a recipe today, a cherry chicken dish I cut out of a magazine which looked delicious and foolproof, but it, like 97 percent of everything I cook, turned out to be a tasteless piece of crap – when will I accept the fact that I CANNOT COOK? -- and my kitchen looked like a bloodbath.  But since I’m still in lifestyle coaching mode (who do I think I am, Gwyneth Paltrow?), I thought I’d pass along one of my all-time favorite columnists, Carolyn Hax, who writes an advice column for the Washington Post.  Our Austin paper carries her two days out of the week, but I log onto the Post every single one of the six days (Monday-Saturday) that she’s featured.  She’s amazing.  She puts the old-timers like Dear Abby and Ann Landers to shame, with their snappy, one- or two-paragraph replies.  She takes just one or two questions, and tackles them thoroughly and thoughtfully.  I’m addicted to her.  I’ve posted just a sample below (which I’m sure violates a fair number of copyright laws), but give her a try.  Every column is like having a 10-minute therapy session, or a talk with your smartest friend.

Dear Carolyn:

I was thrown/hurt/confused recently when my boyfriend of two years told me he’s never really been in love and isn’t sure what it’s supposed to feel like. He then tried to exempt me, but initially he said it as a blanket response to my asking why he never says, “I love you.” He has said it but always when I’ve said it first. We’re 31 and 32.

I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want to make him feel bad since he was clearly emotional when he told me, so I just comforted him. I guess I’m the first girlfriend he’s talked to about this.

We’re actually pretty good otherwise, and I’m not looking for a ring. But I’m also not very good at gauging when it’s time to admit this isn’t okay, and it hurts to think about breaking up since I do love him. Any advice?

Confused and Sad

Boom. No wonder you both ran for cover.

As a final response to his confession, though, I don’t recommend the running or the cover. That’s because the only good outcome for both of you is to get on the right course, be it together tightly, together loosely or heading your separate ways. And the best way to find that right course is to dig out what your boyfriend was trying to say before he lost his nerve.

Even if he’s not entirely sure, your willingness to raise this topic without flinching will remove for him the “I’m afraid to hurt her feelings” obstacle, the one that keeps so many couples from expressing their true feelings, the one that keeps relationships going well past their expiration dates.

You know you’re stuck at “pretty good,” or you wouldn’t have pressed him on the “I love you” thing. So, walk toward what scares you and see whether your boyfriend needs a confidante or an out.

Two caveats: 1. His confession could be more manipulation than honesty. I don’t think anyone has to strain to imagine a tortured-looking character saying in a soft voice, eyes on the horizon, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved before. [Shifts gaze to the ground.] I’m not sure what it feels like.”

2. Even if it’s bona fide, it’s not the most promising truth ever shared. The big unflinching discussion could turn out just to be a one-hour postponement of the inevitable breakup.

But it could also plant the seed for the intimacy you’re lacking. And, for what it’s worth, suspecting they left too soon tends to haunt people, where suspecting they stayed too long generally just annoys.
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This is the second night in a row that I planned to go to the gym and ended up walking the neighborhood.  Not that the hills, on a relatively hot night, aren't as hard in their own way as the gym is in its way, but sometimes the logistics of getting to the gym are more than I can face, so I take the road more travelled.  I left Banks at home, sort of as a punishment, in a petulant kind of way.  He was obstinate and lazy last night, gave up way earlier than he ever has before, and I just wasn't in the mood to coax and coddle.  Tomorrow night I have two commitments and I REALLY want to get the walk out of the way in the morning. Maybe he'll have learned his lesson by then.