Blue

I feel sad today.  I don’t know why, and I’m not much interested in why.  I accept the occasional blue day as the price of living. I also don’t feel the need to snap myself out of it.  When I’m sad, I just want to feel sad until I’m not sad anymore. I would like to say that Banks picked up on my mood, as we walked our usual five-mile loop around the lake this morning.  But he’s a dog, and was on a walk, so no, he didn’t.

When I feel like this, I don’t want to hear the pounding or upbeat music that usually accompanies me on my walk.  I want to hear something that matches and respects my mood.  This past Christmas I downloaded “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton, and on this walk, I found myself hitting the replay button over and over again.  The singer has obviously experienced a major loss, and, trying not to sink into self-pity, explores all the different ways she might re-invent herself.  “Maybe I’ll dye my hair….maybe I’ll learn to sew….maybe I’ll buy a car and drive so far they’ll all lose track.”

The voice is tremulous and brave at the same time, and every time I hear it, quick, unexpected tears spring to my eyes. Dolly didn’t write the song, but nobody could have interpreted it like she did. 

Actually – I just thought of this – maybe it was the junk I ate yesterday.  WHY do I feel the need to join in minor celebrations, like Fat Tuesday?  Someone brought sticky buns, and two people baked King’s Cakes.  I sampled them all, and felt sick afterwards.  Two different people wondered if, now that my body has gotten so healthy, it may have lost its tolerance for this kind of sugar explosion.  Intriguing.