Swan Song

After dinner at Napoli's last night with Lynn, Chicago Steve and a couple from Houston, I bowed out and let them continue the revelry til midnight or beyond; whatever minor ailment has been hanging on for the last week or so makes me sleepy by about 9:00pm, but the good thing is, it also makes me sleep deeply and through the night as my body fends it off.  I attribute this to my flu shot, which I get every year.  I’ve had some killer flues, and that might have been the full-blown version of whatever I’ve got now if I hadn't gotten that shot.

I just got back from our last walk.  The streets around the Riverside parking lot were closed off for some kind of race, so we drove to the overpass at Zilker Park.  For a New Year’s Day, at close to 8:45 AM, it was a sparsely populated trail, but it’s a cold and overcast morning.  I found myself smiling at everyone I passed, puffing and struggling and determined to get in shape, and sending up prayers for them to succeed at whatever goals they set.  I thought about how, after today, my walks are going to be different in at least one way:  I won’t be formulating a post in my head, but will be simply experiencing the moment.

Oh God, I’m going to miss this blog.  I don’t think I even realized how much until I typed those words.  This last month has been the most difficult of all – not only getting myself out to walk, but making myself write about it.  I just ran out of gas around December 1.  But sitting here right now, sipping my coffee and blogging (who would ever have thought I’d have a blog?), I know I’m going to go through some withdrawal.   Lots of friends and family have encouraged me to continue blogging, only about another topic, but I know this is the right thing – to let this experience come to an end and stand on its own.

Besides the fact that I’ve lost 27 pounds (and I am sticking with that – yes, I’ve gained 7 over the holidays, but those “fluff pounds” always come off the first couple of weeks of January), what I think has been the most profound benefit is that I now think of myself as a disciplined person.  Me.  Disciplined.  That adjective had never applied to me before – at least in my own estimation -- but if I can haul my body out of bed or off the couch and walk five miles, six days a week…..what else could I call it?  But I also know that no way, now how, could I ever have kept it up without this blog, without your encouragement, without the accountability of putting myself out there and having to deal with the embarrassment of not following though.

And God knows I couldn't have done it without Banks.  How I love that black and white dog.  Our relationship, already close, strengthened over the past year.  I love it that he is oblivious to how much went into this plan of mine, how hard it was and how deeply, deeply meaningful to me.  All he wanted to do was walk.  Walk with me.  Hang out with me.  If this blog had been more about Banks and less about me, we probably would have walked three miles a day; he could have lived without the extra two.  But there he was almost every day, my loyal companion, willing to do whatever I asked of him.  MOST days.

I have been as honest as possible, trying to maintain a positive and inclusive space here, without entirely losing my “real” personality, which can be sarcastic and a little dark.  Plenty of times I’ve read over my post, decided this or that statement was more snarky or crude than I wanted to present, and taken it out, even though it might have been, in my humble opinion, funny or profound.  And here’s something weird:  four or five times, no more than that, I have actually written my blog, then gone out for my walk and done exactly what I said I would do in that particular post.  What’s that about???  My take is that, for whatever reason, on those days I was feeling more anxious about getting the writing done than getting the walk completed. I didn’t like doing it, but I did it.  Once the words were written, I could relax and enjoy the walk.  And there have been a handful of times when I did not reach the entire five, either because I got lost or could not keep track of the time, but I always made note of those. 

So, what’s next?  I like the idea of retaining the discipline while being a little less rigid about the specifics. I have a gym membership.  I still love to walk.  I’m thinking two five-mile walks a week (Saturday and Sunday), and three gym visits, including resistance training.  I’m looking forward to getting the whole body in shape.  My legs may look fabulous, but from the waist up, I could use some work.

But I always start January 1 with a whole list of resolutions, big and small.   Here are this year’s.  Don’t laugh.

1.       Continue working on my book on birthmothers

2.       Show more love and less judgment

3.       Pick up three pieces of trash a day

4.       Be more disciplined in my prayer life

5.       Clean my car out every Friday

6.       Take myself less seriously

7.       STOP LOSING SO MANY THINGS  (this one is going to be tough)

I hope 2013 is kind to all of you, and challenging in the best way.  Thank you so much for hanging with me for the last 365 days.  I couldn’t have done it without you.  Keep in touch.

Love,
Leslie